


Bad Pick-Up Lines

by ClockRepair



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Humor, Other, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:00:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24009994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockRepair/pseuds/ClockRepair
Summary: Magical terms and expressions become the inspiration for some of the most scandalous pick-up lines circulating around Hogwarts.
Kudos: 7





	Bad Pick-Up Lines

George Weasley was actually the one who started it all when he approached Angelina Johnson in a suave way, pulled her to the side and said, “I might as well be under the Imperius Curse because I'd do anything for you. Will you go out with me, babe?”

The amazing thing is that it actually worked and George got himself a date with the girl. When George’s mates asked him where he got such a wicked line, he told them he was in the library trying to find a book to finish his Transfigurations assignment. He'd gotten lost and was roaming aimlessly when he saw this dusty, old notebook wedged between two books and opened it up to read some of the smartest and funniest pick-up lines he'd ever heard. (Thank you once again, Padfoot and Prongs!) 

After that, the uses of pick-up lines from the notebook were completely abused. At first, the more tamed ones were said to students with the intention of a date or a snog or two but in the end it was the perverted ones that were a favorite among the Hogwarts pupils.

“Want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own.”

“Do you want to go to Hog’s Head if you know what I mean?”

“You’re like a bottle of Skele-gro, making me grow a bone.”

“Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

And so forth.

Harry and Ron were in the library finishing their essay for their History of Magic class, last minute of course, when they heard Hermione scoff and then the sound of a loud smack echoing throughout the library. A fourth year ran out from one of the aisles clutching his swelling cheek and Hermione sped towards their table with a red face.

“I am getting sick and tired of hearing all of these vulgar lines. They are _disgusting_ and _degrading_ and I-I!” she couldn’t finish.

“Hermione, calm down,” said Harry. “What did that boy even say to you?”

Hermione’s blush deepened. “I’d rather not repeat it.”

With peer pressure Hermione agreed but not before taking some steady breaths to ready herself. Honestly, that boy saying something like that to her! She leaned in whispered, “Just like the S-Slytherin common room, how 'bout m-m-my s-snake in your d-dungeons?”

Harry and Ron’s eyes widened, mouths agape.

Ron stood up in anger. “Okay, Hermione, who said that to you? It wasn’t a Slytherin was it, no, it was that kid from Ravenclaw! Not smart, not smart at all because when I get my hands around that git’s throat I’ll-!”

Ron’s heroic speech about protecting Hermione’s virtue was cut short when the librarian shushed him and threatened him with a detention. Who knew you could get a detention from the librarian? It was probably one of Umbridge’s new fangled ideas and no one wanted detention with her.

Hermione’s face was flushed again but it wasn’t because of the pick-up line. “Ron, it’s alright. This whole thing will blow over soon enough.”

Before Harry and Ron could agree some girls behind them began to giggle.

“Did you hear that Mindy? She said blow!”

“And she’s with two boys! How scandalous!”

Hermione lowered her head until it was all the way on the table’s surface for accidentally starting an innuendo. And Ron couldn’t exactly do anything to defend Hermione since they were two young girls. If he gave them a good beating he would look like a bully, if he yelled at them he would look like a prat. He would lose either way.

Oh, when would this ever end?

But these sorts of fads ended pretty quickly. The right moment just had to arrive when an adult was introduced to the fad so then the students would lose interest. All of the pick-up lines, cute or dirty, became obsolete when Professor Snape caught a note in the middle of his potions class.

“Mr. Davidson, since you have them time to write notes to your friends you won’t mind taking another few moments to read it out loud to the class,” said Professor Snape.

“Umm…Professor, I’d rather not.”

“Do as I say or detention with Professor Umbridge!”

Having your hand cut open or get yelled at by Snape until yours ears start to bleed?

Tough choice, tough choice indeed.

Taking a shaky breath, he read the note. “Want to have a Tri-Wizards Tournament? Well not really Tri-Wizard, I was thinking more one wizard and two witches.”

It only took a few seconds before Snape understood what that meant and when he did; his face went through a remarkable number of changes from shock to livid to mild interest, etc.

“ _WHAT?! DETENTION! DETENTION FOR ALL OF YOU! **DETENTION!!!** ”_

Let’s just say that Mr. Davidson got yelled at until his ears bled _and_ his hand cut open writing, “I will not write appalling notes in class again.” About fifty times.

**Author's Note:**

> An old story posted on fanfiction.net in 2009. Was originally from a self-insert HP fanfic I wrote for my friend. Edited so it's just a fanfic with HP characters. The pick-up lines were lifted from a HP Facebook group that was popular back in the day but was taken down (most likely for sexual content).


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